For some time I’ve thought about starting a blog. I actually did, once. I don’t recall where it is, or why I created it. I think it had something to do with my cat. Hopefully this blog, thriving with purpose, will enjoy a much longer life.
Based on the title of this blog, some may assume:
- I’m old and cranky
- I hate Santa Barbara
- I would rather live elsewhere
All completely false. I’m still in my thirties (barely) and relatively happy, I absolutely love living in Santa Barbara, and, having been born and lived almost my entire life here, find the thought of moving elsewhere hard to imagine. I mean, never say never, but at this moment I’m perfectly content paying outrageously high rent for a small 1-bedroom apartment, driving a 6-minute commute to work, and having access to a stretch of breathtaking beaches less than a mile from my front door. Not that I’m a “beach person,” per se, but how many people can actually say that? If I wanted to sit in the sun all day and get skin cancer, if I wanted to squeeze my boo-tay into a bikini, I could. Just sayin’.
So why all this fluff? What reason is there to “rant” about Santa Barbara? “Who wouldn’t want to live here?” you ask with a furrowed brow. “Love it or leave it!” you shout with a clenched fist.
Yes, yes, I get it. Santa Barbara is a wonderful place. There’s a reason there are 7 (sometimes 8 *cough*) digits in the asking price of homes, even the crappy ones. But it’s come to my attention that all is not perfect in Santa Barbara and, as a native, I think it’s only appropriate that I be the one to share those imperfections with you, my captive audience. It’s similar in theory to when a [insert ethnicity of your choice] person tells a joke about a [insert same ethnicity] person. It’s perceived as hip and edgy when they say it, but you’ll forever be known as a dirty racist if you even think about it.
On a somewhat personal note, this blog is also meant to pay homage to someone very special to me who has opened my eyes, ears, and soul to this truth. Not that some people are dirty racists, but that there is sometimes a little bad to swallow with the good, a touch of yang with the yin, an occasional gnat in the complimentary glass of water of life. While Santa Barbara may be one of the top tourist destinations in the world, it’s also teeming with tourists. Tourists who ignore crosswalks, talk on cell phones, smoke cigarettes, and read street maps. All at the same time. While driving. And it’s not only the tourists. Here’s a teaser for an upcoming post: “Trader Joe’s Shopper, You Forgot Your Manners in the Car. Please Retrieve Them Before I Ram You With My Cart.”
And so, I encourage you to join me on this journey of truth, awareness, and self-discovery. Listen to the sound of the waves crashing against the shore… Take a deep breath of cool, salty air… Watch the seagulls glide in with the early-morning fishing boats… And if you listen ever so closely… Wait for it… Someone just rammed their Trader Joe’s shopping cart into the back of your SUV.
My small, yet floppy hat goes off to the writer of this post. I found you nothing close to being cranky or racist, but truly amusing. How is your cat by the way? When’s the last time you squeezed your “boo-tay” into a bikini? Oh wait, I’m here to vent and unfortunately, I won’t be as witty as you’ve been.
I must say when I read your post, alarms in my head sounded off. Not because I didn’t agree; not because you weren’t “spot on” in your description of The Great SB (please DO “pay attention to the man behind the curtain;” he’s covering up a lot about this place), but because I found myself screaming, “I want to hear more about the people here!” Yes, Santa Barbara IS exquisite with its beauty; the old architecture alone is breath taking. The Spanish/Mission type structural design of the post office on Anacapa St. is reason alone to mail a letter, uh, well, to anyone. Go mail a bill tomorrow!! You’ll see what I mean. I love the many places to stroll, the people watching, the sunsets, the smell of the ocean and driving down San Andreas. The bakeries there have the best Mexican pastries ever! Yes, yes, yes!!! But, can I do without the people here? Hell yeah! And if by stating “potholes,” you mean the people of Santa Barbara… Well, I think I may have been thinking of another “hole” in reference to the people here and believe me, the tourists are the least of my concerns.
Okay, to be fair… Are tourists a pain? Sometimes, but it’s really the people of SB that drive me into a rage! And yes, please let’s talk about the many unconscious customers that flock to the local Trader Joe’s on Milpas. When I walk in, I immediately put on my armor. I feel like I’ve walked on to the sound stage of the Stepford Wives, before they were converted to nicer folk or The Invasion Of The Body Snatchers post pod days. It’s crazy how I transform into the frog in “Frogger” while walking throughout the aisles in TJ’s. And then there’s the completely, oblivious customer who parks her carcass at the coffee station totally unaware that there is a line of people (me!) waiting patiently, but not willing to watch her down a cup and then make a second cup of joe.. Moving on to how NO one customer there and I mean no one comprehends words like, “excuse me” or “thank you” or “you’re welcome.” Instead, they prefer body language, literally. Here’s one I’ve come across time and time again. The forearm across my face as a customer is reaching for an item and I’m apparently in her way or almost being run over by a crazed customer wanting to get ahead of me in the “12 items or less line.” I guess my one container of Organic mustard is of less importance than her 11 items of happy juice. It’s amazing how many incredibly “dead” and very rude the customers are at times. For every 1 considerate person, there are 20 idiots! It’s unfathomable and sometimes I’ve actually come home in tears, because I just don’t understand why people need to be so ugly… But, then I happen upon an old episode of Breaking Bonaduce and it restores my faith in the good of all. I mean, in comparison to the RUDE individuals I’ve encountered out here, Danny boy’s a saint. Am I exaggerating? Nope, but I wish I was. And please don’t get me started on the driver’s out here. sigh… Let me just say that I’ve worked in Los Angeles and in “the valley” for many years and I have never been yelled at, honked at, given the finger or cut off as much as I have in the 2, two, geez, did I say a mere TWO years I have been here?! It really strikes me funny that a place that prides itself on community has the most unforgiving driver’s and some of the ickiest, inconsiderate people I have ever had the displeasure of coming in contact with. I mean, during these SB celebrations, what are they celebrating? Is it a chance to run someone over after a parade or the opportunity to YELL at someone because “she” squeezed an avocado the wrong way and now “his” avocado experience has been ruined? I swear, that really happened to us. I think what I see most in SB is a city with a large majority of unhappy, wealthy creatures. You know what they say, the happiest people are the ones who have the least. Wow, I think I just had an epiphany! I guess this is where I’m supposed to have compassion for this “not present” community. Ew, that’s a lot to ask, but I’ll keep trying, because I want to be the change I want to see. Besides, I don’t wanna leave.. Why you ask? ‘Buuuhcauze, (Hugh Howser style) as seriously unpleasant as it can be out here, the city itself is remarkable and I’ve created a home out here with my special somebody and her Chicken. So….. The next time I merge onto the 101 freeway and I look to my left and see the driver RIGHT beside me not willing to speed up or slow down and would soon enough run me off the road, I’ll just wave and blow a kiss.. Or the next time I’m hunting for the perfect apple at Trader Joe’s and someone abruptly puts their elbow in my face to snatch up that perfect apple; I’ll simply say, “wow, nice nub. You should be an elbow model.”
You are “spot on” about the people here. How do people become this way??!!
Let us start a I hate Santa Barbara (people) blog!